I really need to confess this...it is time to tell it...

[justkimu]

LJ Idol Topic 4 - "I Think I Thought You Were Someone Else" (Mistaken Identity)

I am not the person you think I am. I had no idea who she was until only moments ago. This was going to be my "bye week" for Idol, but in a flash I had something for this week.

When most of you first met me, I was this grassroots hippy girl with sunshine on her shoulder. My "off the grid" life was paraded around for each of you to see. I was a writer, a healer, a witch. My art was shown around the land and I landed writing contracts. Weekends were full of parties, events and gatherings. My tarot readings were sought by the biggest names around.

I had no idea who I was.

But see...I'd set the mold already...people began to believe that I was the person that wrote in this LJ. When I would meet people in real life, some of them would be shocked at my reality. I was not the droid they were looking for.

I'd put myself into a box that had no trap door. More than before, I had to be the woman in my LJ. Now, mind you, at the time I was a hippy girl who made art, grew organics and drank beer around bonfires at midnight.

I had no idea how to be happy.

Life became like a trap. If I'd shop at Wal*Mart, one group of people would chastise me, while others would praise me. How could a hippy girl shop at Wal*Mart (we were losing our farm). Didn't I know that kids in China supply Wal*Mart (we were given gift cards and had nothing to eat...it was our only hope). Still...I carried on the facade of living the green life. Wow doggies, we are having fun now.

I almost lost my husband and twins. All my friends were turning their backs on me. My comments box was empty. Life was turning downward.

I made myself be something I wasn't.

As in all good stories, there was a serious event that made me take a serious look at my life. It didn't work. Still no clue. I was more lost than ever. This brought me to the 'net - all hours of the day - to find some higher meaning in the wires and hubs around the world.

My identity, sadly, was now who I was online. Conversations would start off with, "Oh, well, I read online..." The Mister almost threw away the computer. The girls (and the Wee Boy) were angry with me. My body hurt, and my eyes were sore.

When I finally broke free...no one really knew. It has been a long hard road to unattach myself from the internet and the image I created there. More than a thought form, I. It seemed like a real-life science fiction novel.

As I look back, I realize it was all just a case of mistaken identity. What I learned from this is that we are all beautiful people...no matter what we write in our journals, or what we say to others, we are all just trying to find the way home. We have set up a nice place to park our identity...even if it is online. For most of us, we can finally spread our wings without fear or rejection. Being online is heaven, and it waits for our return when we get up to pee.

But I'm here to tell you...look at your identity. Is it really who you think it is?

----

I'm not any closer to knowing who I am, but I'm very happy with my journey. My skin is thicker, my back is stronger and my heart is bigger. I can be me, online and off, without feeling the need to hide. No one mistakes my identity now. Sure it means being real 100% of the time, but for me there is no other option.

This makes me very thankful for mistaken identities.

=)

Comments

[isis-lives.livejournal.com]

I like you.

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

I like you, too. :) Your light brightens my day. :)

[firinel.livejournal.com]

I don't know how other people identify me, honestly, other than as an artist and mother, and passionate person. All of which, I suppose, are true. I've made a very deliberate attempt to put everything of me out there into the void. Some is a little more out there than other bits, true, but at least the people who read me regularly ought to have a realistic idea of who Fin is. Not just online, but altogether.

I've always been interested in understanding how others identify me, even before I knew what the internet or web was, but I'm not sure I've ever really understood, and I think perhaps I'm the better for it. It allows me to more freely be me.

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

I've always seen you as who you are, really. My identity crisis happened some time ago, but it fit very nicely into this writing prompt. ;)

[jenandbronze.livejournal.com]

It i hrd for me to know what and where I am as a person, and I always wondered what people think of me, when they haven't met me in person--yet. Interesting take on the topic!

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :) I think you are an extraordinary person of much note. Your writing is wonderful, and it is a joy to read your posts. :)

[mac-arthur-park.livejournal.com]

Wow.

Just...wow.

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

[caersidi.livejournal.com]

This was a fantastic entry.

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

Thank you. =D

[misinsatiable.livejournal.com]

Of course we are all only part of what folks see online. Online you don't know how I smell, you can't sense my energy, you can't see my eyes....etc. I don't feel that different IRL than I am here besides what I mentioned above.

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

Like I told Fin, you present yourself as what you see is what you get. :) My identity crisis was some time ago, but was fun to write about this time around. :)

[lilmissmagic71.livejournal.com]

This has quite a bit of insight... thanks for sharing it...

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

Thank you:)

[shadowwolf13]

Lovely insight!

I try to be the same online and off ... not sure how well I manage, basically I just try to be me. :)

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

I am too, now. :) However, about a year ago I had a serious identity crisis. ;)

[shadowwolf13]

I think we all do at some point in our life, it's just a part of growing and changing over time. :)

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

You're definitely right about the Net. We all find our identities here, even, if, just sometimes, we aren't who we believe ourselves to be.

Very nicely done.

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The net is a wonderful tool for self exploration. Some people can get into too much, as I did some time ago. After a small identity crisis about a year ago, I learned a lot about being online. :)

[robertainnc.livejournal.com]

Like I said to my friend Joseph last night, as my husband came in with big plastic containers of baby wipes b/c they were cheaper that day at the store than the variety in the smaller non-plastic packaging:

"I'd like to save the world. I just can't afford to".

Seriously--anyone who doesn't "get" why people might buy groceries at Walmart rather than Whole Foods is in my humble opinion not "getting" much of the big picture at all. We buy cheaper because it's what we can afford--not because we don't want to give our family free-range, child-labor-free, organic, cruelty-free, environmentally sound food or products.

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

I love you m'dear. If we ever meet in person I shall buy you a glass of wine and hug you.

As The Mister and I say, the money we save is used to help educate our family so they have better choices than we do now.

:)

[robertainnc.livejournal.com]

(-:

[libra-dragon.livejournal.com]

Nicely done and written. Rather thought provoking. Good job!

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :)

[shannon-elaine.livejournal.com]

This was lovely.

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[sleepwalkdance.livejournal.com]

Sometimes a mistaken identity can show us who we really are. Well written :)

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Don Miguel Ruiz says that once we figure out who we are, that is who we are not. ;)

Thanks for stopping by!

[walkertxkitty.livejournal.com]

Powerful. I had a similar experience not too long ago, which is why my online friends are sometimes (often?) disappointed by the changes they see. However, I like the person I reclaimed much better than what they thought I was so nothing else matters.

I'm glad you're finding out the same joy and freedom.

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

Love your icon. :)

I came out of it a much stronger person, but it was rough going for some time.

Thanks for stopping by!

[mandolinorange.livejournal.com]

So very true. And I think this is what happens whenever our lives become packaged products, whether it be through blogs, artisitic careers, celebrity, etc. I liked this a lot! :)

[justkimu.livejournal.com]

=) I think we all get caught up in the anonymous-ness of being online sometimes.

Thanks for stopping by.

[tigrkittn.livejournal.com]

Really interesting take on the topic! Thanks for sharing it.

[kathrynrose.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you didn't take the bye. :)

[ahavah-ehyeh.livejournal.com]

I really like this.

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

This was interesting. Thanks for sharing.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Interesting entry. I don't know. I guess I never created an identity for myself on the net. It's just me. It just seems like too much work to create someone else. Does that make sense?

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

Wonderful entry. Sounds like you and I have a few ideas in common.